A C E C6 A1
i 'ACE'ed my 'A's. yeay. NUS... please want me.
08:40 p.m.
Friday, March 5, 2004

stagnation
my blog's somehow stagnated. and i apologise, deeply. for work has eaten away so much of my idle time. and using the computer at night's outta the question. well. i'll try to update over weekends... or when i get to norman's place. the 'A's results are gonna be out soon. and my employer's convinced by me that i won't be furthering my studies. my HR manager was a little. hinty hinty about this sensitive issue. i can't help but think every now and then what's gonna happen when i get my results. well. thoughts are useless. and brooding is bad for health. i'm in a rather messed up state of mind now. worries. cash problems. my future. my life. stuff coming in and leaving before i could contemplate. a jostling weekend bazaar. that's my mind.
intense desire to write. well. i'll find time.
i don't know. i like working at where i am. but it doesn't pay... for a long term kinda perm job. so. i don't know.my future's a blur. all dependent on that lousy piece of paper we call qualifications.
i don't regret my slacking for 'A's. cuz i would never have done otherwise.
07:04 p.m.
Saturday, February 28, 2004

2nd day at work.
Well, my "alma mater" is Jasmine, this really nice chinese girl who's gonna pass on all her reception knowledge to the greenhorn me. and she's cool. she teaches me more than she can. and we can talk and click quite well. so time's passing so much faster.
it's alright to call me during office hours but i get off work at 5.30pm. so you guys can ask me out for dinner and stuff. i'm pretty free. and my lunch hours are... 12-1 or 1-2 but callable from 12-2 cuz the office is chaotic during lunch. well. we get hungry ya know!
i'm still stumbling here and there. but jasmine is always there to help me. imma get her a small thank you gift when i get my pay! that's it. i've gotta bathe. seeyas.
09:11 p.m.
Thursday, February 19, 2004

movie list.
reading lin's blog made me think about... the movies i wanna watch.
the 50 first dates
big fish (heil ewan.)
spider-man 2 (who'd miss that...)
cold mountain the stepford wives (nicky oh nicky)
killbill 1 and 2

hmmm. BIG FISH... was the name of my late pet fish... *weeps profusely. and now there's a movie... of his name... so... touching!
11:59 a.m.
Monday, February 16, 2004

talking always works.
so it was kinda messy. on valentine's day. i could have shown him so much more appreciation. but i didn't. and i regret it. cuz i really enjoyed myself.
well. we sorta talked at this corner near the kwan im temple.. (hehe.) and we continued till we reached allson hotel. sitting at the lobby... i told him about all the things i'm gonna do.
ya know. superficially... i'm a nice girlfriend. i feel so too. (woah.) but while i'm always caught up in the idea that i'm an OKAY girlfriend, i didn't realise my careless nature hurts people now and then. i mean. it's partially for some personal improvement and partially for this relationship. and so i didn't message him for a whole day yesterday until at night. and i told him everything that i've sifted out from the reasons that we quarrel.
and now we're alright.
when asked why i like him... i never gave them an answer. well. these two days i've been thinking about everything. and i realised that. it is the freedom he gives me. i can stay over at prasad's place. go dancing and drinking. well. i think that's it. cuz i'm always claustrophobic. and my previous boyfriends all tried to keep me in a box. he's different. i have my own space. and that's what makes me breathe better, to love him more.
11:24 a.m.
Monday, February 16, 2004

happy valentine's.
well. he's angry with me. cuz i mentioned something about the present. i know he really can't afford anything now. but there's this little part of me that wants some kind of... sweet lil prezzie. be it a bar of cadbury's or.. just. i don't know. i'm at his place now. and it's hitting melike nothing. i'm darned depressed. really. cuz i regret bringing it up... yeah. i regret it alot. somehow. i feel so stupid. and dumb. and useless. my heart's pounding faster than it should. it's just suffocating me. i want him to not be angry. i'm so stupid. i'm just so stupid.
kill me somebody.
02:52 p.m.
Saturday, February 14, 2004

back as a dark haired girl and just feeling a tad bit more mature.
i don't know. well. dark hair works well with more... matured clothes. trying a few things on. imma go party soon.
well. anyone remotely thinking of heading to an NUS bash... HALT! it sucked. no one danced. we left for tanjong pagar. was too tired and worried about my guy friend's chastity. so we sat at maxwell and talked. i was there with my cousin and an exclassmate.
well. things are working fine. things are working better in fact. and that day i stupidly read his logs on mirc. it's dumb. i really, honestly, swearfully, didn't mean to invade his privacy. it didn't occur to me it was as disastrous as logging onto his email and reading his stuff. i've never peeped into his wallet or logged onto his anything without asking or telling him or being told to. so it was a huge mega-blunder. well. i'm not going to do it again. cuz i'm not stupid enough to be so muddle again. i'm sincerely sorry norman. sorry.
well. but that didn't drag us into any depressing shit. i just cried a little. he frowned a little. tried to play around with my keychain barney... and we're fine. i really fear that he won't trust me with stuff again. it's difficult, i know, even if someone has a clean track record. cuz people remember mistakes. and... i'd feel the same too. people need their little comfort zones and spaces to breathe fresh air in. i respect that. I WAS JUST SO STUPIDDD.
why didn't it occur to me that it was a huge majorly wrong invasion of privacy... prolly cuz i trust him too much to start wanting to delve into his stuff. prolly.. ptolly. i still don't understand why i did it. cuz i was bored? i guess so. the folder was open. the mirc folder... and we were checking out something from the downloads folder. i'm so dumb... hais.
but we've decided to not keep grumbling about it cuz it wouldnt help. he's forgiven me... and i definitely can't be angry with him if he refuses to tell me his password whatever next time. cuz it's only right.
ya know what. he knows all my passwords. he might not remember them anymore but. yeay. he has/had all of em.
well. i'm off to bathe now. heh.
that day peiling came over and i bleached my hair to an ugly disgusting ahlian orange. so yesterday i dyed it back dark brown. looks so much better. ahhh.
you know what. THE SLUT IS BACK! MY SLUT IS BACK FROM THE STATES!
i'm goneee.
01:18 p.m.
Monday, February 9, 2004

muahaha.
i showed norman my page yesterday. well. i told him to come visit it. and forbade him to read the contents cuz there's too much of him it embarrasses me.
well things are. quiet. smooth. i think. before the next quarrel which will prove me a total bitch to this guy.
and valentine's coming! going out with my parents for dinner. cool eh. it's uuubbeerrrcooooool. cuz we can afford something extravagant and yummy. and somewhere cool enogh to accept reservations. and we can diss at all the odd couples with withered roses bought this week kept for valentine's cuz rose prices are gonna soar. and laugh at how people spend this day with different people every year. haha. we're different. yes. we folks ruleee.
i'm thinking of inviting norman along. hmmm. we'll see.
getting downstairs to deposit money to my friend's account (well, i'm always owing people money here and there and too lazy to meet up...) and get the classifieds so that i can get something done today.
i'll be at NUS bash tomorrow with my cousin! hah. i've never been out clubbing with her. i wonder how i'm gonna dance and chance her impression of me 180.
well. prasad's still in the states. i miss that old guy. the week when he's away, my life was so dramatic. i can't live without this best pal. and he's freaking leaving for good soon. noooooooooo.
i'm a little quirky today. i don't know why. i bleached my hair a weird colour. patchy streaks? haha. so i changed my parting.. and it ooks a tad bit more acceptable now.
hmmm.
11:56 a.m.
Friday, February 6, 2004

50 things u can do to the one u really love...
1. Watch the sunset together.
2. Whisper to each other.
3. Cook for each other.
4. Walk in the rain.
5. Hold hands
6. Buy gifts for each other.
7. Roses.
8. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.
9. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
10. Write poetry for each other.
11. Hugs are the universal medicine.
12. Say only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.
13. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
14. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie!
15. Spend every second possible together.
16. Look into each other's eyes.
17. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
18. When in public, only flirt with each other.
19. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.
20. Buy her a ring.
21. Sing to each other.
22. Always hold her around her hips/sides.
23. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
24. Spaghetti? (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
25. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.
26. Dance together.
27. I love the way a girl looks right after she's fallen asleep with her head in my lap.
28. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
29. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes
30. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.
31. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.
32. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
34. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
35. Be Prince Charming to her parents.
36. Brush her hair out of her face for her.
37. Hang out with his/her friends.
38. Go to church/pray/worship together.
39. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
40. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.
41. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
42. Make sacrifices for each other.
43. Really love each other, or don't stay together.
44. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it.
45. Love yourself before you love anyone else.
46. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
47. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
48. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
49. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
50. Never forget the kiss goodnight and always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."
"Posted by Weijie Eric at 07:11 AM"

my galfriend's boyfriend posted this. when can men ever be like that!
10:41 a.m.
Friday, February 6, 2004

still the same.
i messaged him good morning on icq. and his reply was. "I was taking a shot (on gunbound) when you messaged." and somehow. that reminded me of what happened. i'm always the one to blame for things. even the break up. i'm always the one who screws things up.
and it sucks more than anything to feel that way. i wrote a long time ago about how people can do next to nothing at all and be hated to the guts? it's along that line. he knows that all the things i've done weren't deliberate. and he still decided to leave. a part of me feels that. maybe he feels this. lack of deliberateness shows some innateness that can never be altered or erased. sorta like "I'm made to Sin." that kinda thing. it's just me. he had enough. he left.

i've not had enough of him.

and that's why i can't bring myself to hate him.

and i end up hating myself. what's this bullshit that's screwing up my mind. i'm kinda feeling better now. we've been messaging. but somehow it feels terrible. like i'm such servile to his calling. he's angry, i'm sorry. he's hurt, i'm depressed. never been a case of the ex that has been such. really. i was always the one i control. and now i've kinda lost myself to him. it's cruel. well. at least talking to him, or rather. getting replies for him cuz we aren't exactly talking MUCH, calms my nerves... and clears away some doubts and suspicion in me.
and... stacie orrico's stuck is the perfect epitome. of this situation.
it hurts when i think about how he might have found me irritating. a pest.
maybe i'll just stay in my room. wallow. and pass some time. while he enjoys himself online with a game that has played a little part in our breakup.
11:12 a.m.
Wednesday, February 4, 2004

norman.
last night i dreamt of him. piecing I LOVE YOU together with small crystal stickers. we were together. prolly in my room. something like that. dark and only with the tv on. he's sweet. and i go behind some cupboard door to change. into a white shirt i always wanted to show him. my mom comes in. talks to him. preoccupies him. i'm left out. then i get back. he continues adjusting the letters. i kiss him. and we love each other.
well. bullshit. i needa get better dreams. it is making me cry. i just became a slut messaging him to ask him something about gunbound. checked his horoscopes. and i feel like crying. yes. really. i can't get my mind off him. it's like an on and off thing. and i'm still pondering why he did this to me. my mind winds about the holding hand issue. the scene replays itself again and again. help me. please. people think i'm alright already. well. those who don't know me as well.
derek knows something wrong. i've not been telling anyone this. well. my family prolly when i told them i still feel like shit within me... well. i don't know. i'm kinda speechless. or lacking the desire to speak. yeah. something like that.
i'm alone at home now. and escaping all things silly. keeping myself online. messing my mind up with unsuccessful attempts to distract myself. it's not working. it's not.
and suddenly i recall things. that happened when we were still together. emily the strange handphone wallpaper... well it used to be my picture. silver bracelet he is suddenly wearing. lack of enthusiasm in coming over. not reading my blog anymore. needing more personal space. not really holding my hand much. not even going out with me often.
a few things i feel. he's not proud of me. there's someone else. and FUCK. i feel like FUCK. fuck fuck fuck. help me. fucking do. please. i'm breaking and no one knows. i can't even write poetry cuz norman spells itself back and forth in my lines. why. it's not the first time i've fallen outta love. but why. i'm such a whore. i'm so tied to him. somehow. i don't know. not as if i cut off all ties from my male friends. no... it's not that. well. prolly cuz. i didn't think i did anything disastrously wrong to deserve a breakup. well. i don't know. why now. why near valentine's. we were supposed to have an anniversary together. help me.

Lovely Wicked
and all bewitched and estranged souls
have chosen to wind around my heart
like silk, like a cocoon.
and i feel entangled,
i am hidden within you.
the sun incapable of shining on me.
silenced screams and withered flowers
filling the air, scattered on the floor.
the breath tastes a sweet stale sourness,
the wind echoes a hypotic song.
the pieces of my dutiful effort
to have loved to my heart's end,
thrown on the floor like empty bullet shells
i see before me
and the shot resting deep within,
the pain vivid and deprived of anaesthesia.
i crawl out of it, bleeding
and tearing
with a wild sense of satisfaction.
for my sense of dignity is empowered
by the thought of your better tomorrow,
a certain guilt inside me
that is telling me to let go,
telling me i am to blame,
that my beloved will be never wrong,
slashing my senses
into strips of hysteria and insanity.
the cosmic presence of the players of magic
aiding your intentions,
a formidable strength with
forgivable unreason,
reducing me into a whimpering existence,
weak like feetless bines,
making me such disgracefully vulnerable,
and maiming me unbelievably blind.

10:00 a.m.
Tuesday, February 3, 2004

quizzie
You are a Queen!
Beautiful, Wise, Strong
Righteous, Commanding, Humble

You are the beautiful and compassionate Queen. You are the epitomy of what every woman should be. You are confident, bold, aggressive, smart, womanly and feminine. You know the right thing to do and do it. You command respect and earn praise. You are moral and loving. In times of trouble, you draw strength from within, and are a source of strength for others.
02:06 a.m.
Tuesday, February 3, 2004

anger.
somehow, i feel angry. well. thoughts of. whether is it another girl? what's wrong with me? is it my looks? or lack of looks? or something that i've changed into? somehow. these questions keep resonating in my brain, becoming an almost buzzing mixture of voices. well. i don't know. i shall have more faith in myself. blog more. and write as i used to. i realised i've changed in the way i sound. i lose myself when i'm in a relationship. so i shall. sound like the old joanna who doesn't give a fuck about anything. JUST WHINE! someone who is always politically incorrect. frankly. i know lotsa people out there think i'm trying too hard cuz they show it so clearly it can't help but strike my eyes. i'm going to be single. alone yes. but quiet. silence is the best way to mature?
like a flower left alone to bloom...
i'm sad yes. SAD. FUCKING SAD. but he wouldn't know. i even wrote this thing to show him. like. for valentines. i'm not sure whether i threw it away. frankly. my heart's still with him. i dreamt that we got together. i had the urge to message him that i still like him alot. but the point when it strikes my senses that he might have had gotten himself a date fr valentine's and wouldn't give a fucking shit to me, i woke up. kinda being zapped back into reality. for once, i'm proud of my brain. well. it's lazy and all. but it's still working well rationalising things and formulating reasons for me to be. stronger. i will be stronger. the air is fresh. the status is single.
my greetings, gentlemen.
I'M FUCKING GOING CRAZY! hahahaha.
well.. at least i feel better now.
he's a cute guy. and everything. but i have to admit that. he doesn't exactly fulfill the affectionate role. i love affection. he doesn't provide. most prolly cuz the flame was never lit. that's why he's just not passionate and enthusiastic about me. well. i really wanna know whether it's all been. crap. or is it really that he feels it's better for us.
i wanna know. but i don't wanna know. as in. itchy ass versus miss protective. haha. just don't let me see him on the streets with another girl soon.
well. at least wait till i'm back to dating!
06:22 p.m.
Sunday, February 1, 2004

Here is Gone.
You and I got somethin
But it's all and then it's nuthin to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah

And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere

But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I dont need the fallout
Of all the past that's in between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling

I know it's out there
I know it's out there
And I can feel you falling

I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

my sentiments exactly. thanks bleeder.
05:24 p.m.
Sunday, February 1, 2004

single.
i'm single.

he asked for a breakup...

we were strolling along orchard when he kept avoiding holding me hand. so i asked him straightfowardly. "you don't like holding hands huh?"

and he said. don't you think it's very troublesome when the walking speed is different. can't expect me to drag you along right.

and so i walked alone. ignoring him.

and he thought he couldnt take small little quarrels like that..

so at night he msged me. if we're gonna keep quarrelling like that, he can't take it...

and i said if there's anything unhappy about me to him, he could just tell me. and he said

"Do I have to tell you when I am angry? Gimme a break."

i quote.

this really stoned me...

then i replied. i like you alot but i don't know about you.

no reply.

i asked for one.

he said. what is there to say.

i didn't reply anymore...

and much later he said. why don't we just take a break.

and i said. ok. when can i get my contract? cuz the contract given tome by the manicurist woman was left with him.. cuz the blood brother's bag i bought for him was big enough to contain the A4 size documents when my bag wasn't.

so that's it. off.

i don't know. i kinda miss him...

but i'm not gonna turn back cuz...

he obviously doesn't love me anymore...

maybe he never did.

FUCK!

HAHAHAHA
10:34 a.m.
Saturday, January 31, 2004

some pics!









09:27 p.m.
Thursday, January 29, 2004

malfunctioning tear glands.
well. i'm weeping. crying. whatever. someone help me. someone call me. imma crash. it'll last only a few days. it's pms. but for now. please someone. it's never hit me quite as badly as now.
03:09 p.m.
Thursday, January 29, 2004

pms.
i'm pmsing. and fussing. frustrating. irritating myself and norman. weee. i'm having such fun. ya know. i really don't accept the excuse of. "i can't come over cuz it's raining heavily." seriously, i'd brave the rain for him. but his mom's telling him to stay at home cuz the rain is too heavy. well. if he really wanted to come over, and really had the heart to do something. what can a rain do.
and i told him i'm pmsing. and he said the sky is pmsing too. a heavy flow even. well. that's not funny to me. prolly cuz i'm pmsing. i cried. he asked me what i'm doing and i fakes laughter over the internet. i'm pmsing. ok. no big deal. i'll get over it. well. i think i am. i should be. no reason for me to get so fucking irritated and neurotic right.
well. i don't know. somehow. i'm rather disappointed. i'm. well. i feel played out. and prasad is overseas. this is killing me. well. i'm killing myself.
haha. that wasn't funny eh. I'M FUCKING PMSING! KILL ME! BITCH!
02:42 p.m.
Thursday, January 29, 2004

ahhhhhhhhhhh.
remember the times when you feel that you've already inched really close to someone to find that you're on the "suspect" list for some disloyal coup against him? or her. lotsa stuff has been running thru my head and particular the friendship section of my life. i have... thought people to be the best of friends when they end up doubting you or think you're someone unworthy and well, they just are kind enough to entertain and help your pathetic lil soul. tell me about it.
somehow i feel that friendy thingies are more complex than boy-girl/bou-boy/girl-girl relationships. well. it's true. cuz you're not supposed to part with your friends. it's always friends forever. and "love you forever" just means the person will remember my possessive ways and move on to prettier girls. ooops.
why do people doubt you? or me. to be more personal. do i not present myself to be someone who would be trustworthy enough to empathise? sometimes. it stings. i dunno why. and it makes you feel angry. well. like some people i got to kow when i was younger. they aren't always as... well. close to me. it's like. as they wish.. kinda thing. but i'm always the. hey. i'm your friend and i'll try to always be there and when you call i will talk to you and ENJOY talking to you. i don't know. i AM feelng a lil angry now. but it'll subside. that the rain that is stopping to please me.
well i spent my night over at steve's place last night to watch LOADS of sex and the city dvds and Queer Eye to a Straight Guy. makes me feel... liberated. but steve and i agreed that we're both the singaporean versions of samantha. well. to a certain extent. haha. we're not christians you see.
so it was fun. had miso soup, raspberry ice cream with oreo, apple juice and bread from FRANCE! haha. cool isn't it. checked out on orion. that cute lil kitty's getting on well. and cuter than ever.
i don't know how to make myself a "better" friend. i think. in this whole world, only steve trusts me like. TOTALLY to the extent of giving me every means to contact him. haha. and of course, the details of his daily life etc. lols. well. i don't know. people don't trust me. or don't. see me to be a special friend.
my brother says i look... like i'm someone who won't stand out from the crowd.
am i just that ordinary? that's sad. well. maybe i'm fucking trying too hard.
01:26 p.m.
Friday, February 27, 2004

rain, rain, go away.
well... i'm supposed to go downstairs, get some bread, transfer some money into prasad's account and enjoy my rest of the day at home. i only realised it was raining when i stepped outta my room. you see. my curtains are draped dark purple so i can't see a shit outside. PLUS... my windows are always closed and there's this exceptionally thick rubber thingie (seems to be most effective in my room) that kept the pitter pattering away from me. so. damn. imma stay at home and wait for the rain to subside. what's wrong with the weather! it's been raining like heaven's flooded. well. i'll just have to wait. don't i always do.
AND. my face is rotting. again. someone help meeeeeeeeee.
seeya darlings.
01:08 p.m.
Friday, February 27, 2004

a new poem. HAPPY CNY!
i'm extremely elated this new year. being a great daughter. doing all the things i should. and should have. hah! and i managed to finish a poem. weee.

Coming Home
Men,
Drop your swords if you are fighting,
Halt your feet if you are marching.
Turn back to where the sun rises
For your children, your farm and you,
Where the breeze blows a familiar scent,
And the waters reflect and acquainted blue.


Come home before you lose your way,
Become disillusioned and numbly cruel.
The roads are not going to be easy,
For walking on corpses never is.
Let me exchange peace for your pride,
If the route is destined to dignity.


The step forward is more costly
Than we can afford with our lives.
So hail the horses back to their stables
And your heart, the side of mine;
The grains back to our store,
That feeds our kindred and kind.


Have you heard the distant sound
That the mountains have echoed well?
It mimics the loud trumpet blare
That rings a victorious knell,
To call you back, flesh or soul,
Torn and faithless, dead or alive.
They are the prayers for your safe way home.
04:40 p.m.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004

CNY... gong xi fa cai...
nothing's really working these days. sent my resume out. and tomorrow imma bug gramophone for some work opportunity. well. the manicurist job got screwed. so it's in a total mess. and i've gotta go for sats this weekend. i'm blurred out. and totally tired of being asleep. yeah. that's how i'm feeling.
there's something about norman's past that he doesn't love to share. well. i pour my hearts out on people who ask me stuff. but. he says he doesn't wanna talk about it. well. maybe it's just his character, feeling that there's no point dwelling on something worthless. but it's sometimes this. not wanting to answer me that slumps me into paranoia and shit. i get neurotic when this happens. but i'm keeping it under control now. things are working much better between us these days. cuz. i hang up early. and. i don't expect him to meet me every week anymore. well. i miss him. yes. and sometimes i cry. cuz i just get all ditsy and start convincing myself that there's something wrong with me and he doesn't wanna meet me.
well. i'm a "clingy" girl. i wanna talk. i wanna meet up. i wanna make out. you can go out with girls. but not when i get axed out cuz you've gotta make time for someone else. guy or girl. cuz i'm neurotic. and unstable. and fuckingly insecure. and i'm fighting within myself indeed. my mind always sides you. but the chemicals in my brain always makes me think of "what ifs" and the stereotypical guide to reading male actions and reactions. which might not be a rule o thumb. yeah. everyone's different. and. some people just like more space. and they know they feel for someone so they don't think they need to spend time together to make themselves feel loving and loved. you can enjoy seeing someone but you don't have to see him/her all the time, right?
please don't tell me otherwise.
cuz i can't take it.
and i'll break.
well, as usual.
07:32 p.m.
Sunday, January 18, 2004

tuesday morning and messy wardrobe.
heyyy. my complexion is messing up once again. muahaha. ok. that's not the point. zzz.
have been playing gunbound a lot. holler if you do aight?! heh. and...
will be going thai express later with florence. get my shoes mended. and. get that piece of cloth at spotlight. grrr.
i haven't been updating much these days. but have set up a fictional blog. yes. i need to write fiction... alot of fiction. for it create an illusion that i'm not the only pathetic being on earth. ah.
i shall be off soon. to get ready and stuff. schedule of events...

hunt for a place to sell comics and RLstine books. anyone knows anything, tell me.
pack wardrobe TONIGHT.
mend shoes TODAY.
get black/gold cloth TODAY.
repaint my nails soon.
meet cheefoong.
ask if i can bleach my hair.
weee. save up for industrial.

i'm done!
10:05 a.m.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004

new year
menstrual cramps. continued bad complexion. drying hair. desire to bleach it. too tacky for norman. no. he doesn't like me with makeup. got heels. can't wear em with him. got mature stuff. imma look like his mom. messed up eyelids. they're folding and unfolding into 2 and 3 or 2.5 lids. manicured nails. job hunt. vexed. new year. chinese new year. sushi buffet with prasad. schoolmate at gramophone. derek for coffee sessions. norman, i need affection! tired. gone.
02:46 p.m.
Thursday, January 8, 2004

kindred
some comment. i left. for someone. where i got carried away talking about myself, well, as usual.

yes... i left you a note. i never read your work seriously. i'm glad i just did. i don't know. read the note. i was moved, really.

i know how it feels when you see your siblings, in my case, sibling, get all the appreciation, adoration... and all that. love, well, simply put. when all you get is plastic reassurance that you ARE indeed loved. and still see little, little acts done for them that hurts you. cuz they conveniently left you out.

the things that hurt most are irony, and hypocrisy, the former i agree with you totally. and they sting... pretty much...

it's a good thing... that you've found solace in chaining words and (yes...) moving people. it's an art. and it's valuable. but... don't lose yourself to the pen. you might, write how you feel. but, though it might not happen to you... for me, after a while... i felt. stuck in time. like... i was just stagnant. recapturing faded flashbacks of all those torment, i'd call it, over and over again. the hardest thing is moving on emotionally. for me. and i haven't moved much. just numb. which is unhealthily sinister. cuz i break so easily, i'm getting tired of myself.

i'm glad you're much better now. well, though you still might feel the same, narcissism sure helps. yes. i protect myself so much, an online spunky piece of **** severed ties with me and said. the way i do things irked him. cuz i sound so preoccupied. and i was hurt. cuz i thought i was always trying to please people. i didn't even do anything to him. and my old friend told me to stop being nice, be a bitch, cuz being too nice makes you look cheap. but i'm addicted to pouring myself over people when they need me. and i get hurt bad often. but. it's an addiction. hah. so shall be it. i just have to start finding someone who appreciates every drip of that effort. well, people don't. cuz everyone loves taking people for granted. yes they do. they love it so much, i get that shit almost from everyone.
11:45 p.m.
Saturday, January 3, 2004

zzz....
i don't know. but. i'm so lazy to update anything. or rather. there's nothing happening in my life. just lack of sleep, though i have all the time to, and taking care of my complexion. christmas was just a quiet event. norman stayed over. cut log cake, had a lil alcohol... etc.
and i've been having stomach upset. that day i puked along a street at bugis. i was covering my mouth so the puke ended up on my face. lol.
and my mom was pissed off big time.
lotsa eeeky problems surfacing.
i don't know. and i'm too lazy to think.
01:43 p.m.
Monday, December 29, 2003

vexed.
i haven't been blogging for some time. prolly cuz i'm lazy. ok ok. i AM feeling kinda lazy these days.
i'm trying to pack my room so as to aid my revamp. everything's everywhere. i'm having such a headache figuring what should go where. it's worse than a house moval.
grrr. i'm vexed.
putting on weight. yearning for a job. bad complexion. this isn't exactly the kind of post-'A's life i was picturing. but. nonetheless, it sure feels better than that gruelling period of time where. life was much less without a purposeful purpose.
for now i live... to laze!
ok. not the point.
hohoho. merry xmas. it's coming soon. i hope i can finish all my trash-crashing by that day. and i can have a comfy new room. that'd be great for CNY as well!
so now i'm off to continue fumbling and tottering around that obstacle course, i call it more often than not.
so here i'm gone. and i do not forsee a revamp of my blog soon.
well. i'm too ashamed of my complexion to take self pics. and i'm so obsessed with myself, a picture-taking-session is the prerequisite for a new webpage to come.
well. HELL! let me finish my room first can you!
these days. i kinda feel. like. i don't know. i don't feel useful. i don't feel good. or confident. something's wrong.
and my job's to keep on searching.
05:51 p.m.
Sunday, December 21, 2003

breakout and 10 dollar phonecall.
prasad called on sunday. i was so excited. i could recognise his voice almost immediately. somehow, seeing that it was a private call, it struck me that it was from overseas. i don't have many friends with private numbers. well. one of the few would be prasad's home line. hah. i just thought it wasn't. local.
so we were talking, i was eating my lunch and stuff. he's coming back soon. i am SO happy that he called. sorta relieved as well. ya know. it's such uncertain overseas and everything. i was worried for that guy. really. that he might not be coping well with the weather, the people, with himself even.
he's one guy who's really got his feet on the ground. humility, not shyness he possesses. and self-confidence, not a sense inferiority that we would so often think someone who doesn't self praise would own. i'm like hardselling him here.
but indeed. after the failed friendship that i had with martin. (hohoho. he called me that day. i saw it as a nice christmas present. it'd be great if we manage to salvage our broken friendship by christmas. so far, i'm still hopin.) i was feeling quite despondent. yeah. but it's cool. coming to the end of this year. that i realised i have gained three very close friendships. and only lost one. hah. ok. that doesn't really work out that way does it.
so now my mom's scolding EVERYONE at home.

The Fuhrer
i should either kill myself or kill her.
she's having her daily massacre.
painful. long drawn.
when will she end?
the world holds so many
and varied idiosyncrasies.
compromise, it should have been.
but it's now rather totalitarian.
we've all got respect pinning our wings
and without it, we'd fly.
and maybe that would make things better,
it could stop the daily grind.
but she's not a stereotype villain of yours
and that only serves to complicate.
empathy, sympathy, gratefulness
and the desire to eliminate.
if the world is to have her around,
it'd have to spin her way.
and before we escape into the vast blue sea
i'll just pray that's all for today.
08:56 p.m.
Monday, December 15, 2003

suicidal.
you know why!!! you know freaking why????? my face is ROTTING... my complexion's like. eeeeked up. damn. damn. dammit! frustrated. ah. i hate it. i hate it!
i spent great time with norman these few days.
AND. i bought a skirt and a top for new year.
hohoho.
11:50 p.m.
Saturday, December 13, 2003

happy birthday, lovely one!
yesyes, happy birthday norman!
had a great time out with him yesterday. actually. after being almost nine months with him, it was somehow, the second time that we went to shop at orchard today. second time. serious. had 2 glitches that were quickly resolved. but the outing reminded me of why i actually started liking him. yes, the previous time of the two was the first time we met.
so. it was kinda cool. and his peeps brought me to some coca-like place to have dinner. very nice of em. and i find myself getting more conversational with his parents. good. hah.
so we're going billy bombers tomorrow. my treat.
my complexion is getting screwed up again!
btw, his mom bought this really cool nokia phone with a crazy integrated cam. deciding to aim between siemens and E365 motorola. i want camera phones.
wrote down a name for some. job vacancy at fareast plaza.
going to check that vacancy at compasspoint. no harm.
i need to get a job, spend time more constructively, save money, get a decent phone, present for norman, and laptop for myself.
the last wish seems too far to be reached by a greenhorn's hand.
after all, i'm just an 'O' level who doesn't have the looks.
well, i'm kinda friendly???
i just hope to work my arse off and earn money. i need to tell myself i am capable of something... good.
well, at least something financially beneficial!
nighters. it's three. crazy. was playing some gran prix ps2 game with my brother and was talking mad.
we're two of a kind.
and we concluded that, our sporadic nature in... emotions, that is, our easily provoked overbearingness and our easily triggered "calm" button are the result of genetics.
my mom's a pepsi and my dad's like. i don't know. plain water?
one splashes you in your face when you shake it alot but settles fast.
the other... stagnant, but you've no idea how long it's been, or whether it's too old for consumption.
my brother and i... are freakily... em. both?
03:31 a.m.
Friday, December 12, 2003

back to bangs.
oh yeah. btw. i'm back to bangs. and reddish hair. uh. nono. reddish hair's new. so. i'm looking. weird. i don't know. people keep staring? dammit. i miss my fringe already.
07:44 p.m.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003

the sounds around me are too loud to be inspiring a novel.
i suddenly got the inspiration to continue my novel. so i wanted to use the com to type it out since it was the most familiar and keep-worthy way to store my writings. trust me, i always lost those loose sheets of paper. and i can't write poetry on paper. they sound. weird. i can read em out. speak em out. but there's just something weird about paper and pen with my writing. just like a bad chemical reaction and reduces everything irrevocably to ashes.
so i wanted to use the com. but my brother, as usual, was claiming that he was doing something "important" before i realised he was just trying to burn porn into a cd to "freeup" space or prolly just to keep it from me. hell? the inspiration was slipping away as time drew and worse of all, he was watching tv out in the living at a volume of a carnival. what the hell. and then. the stuff on windows crapped up and so he had to reboot. great. so i finally got to sneak in and start typing. but nothing came out. well, except my figuring out that i should change chapter one to "epilogue". he then came in and bossed around. like come on. the computer's in your room. you can easily burn it at night right? it's not as if our computer's malfunctioning cuz of one silly piece of porn. but that'z not what i really want to rant about.
my brother was peeping from behind and reading my unfinished novelette. it's like. hell? i don't LIKE people peeping behind me. at my writings. or my conversations. it utterly. displeased me. and my spur for writing died. shit him. and he criticised me. said. "how can you write a story without a fixed structure?" i wanted to say. m'sieur. i beg your pardon. but this is my novel. not some history assignment. i write the way i want it. i have the plot in my head. i write it as enjoyment. why would i wanna bind myself in some structure? different people have different styles of writing. i like it free. i wanna let it flow. structures make my stories. weird. i mean. juvenile. it's like. yeah. childish writing.
as you can see, i'm rather protective about my writing. and i don't understand why my brother's such a put down all the time. and. ya know. he was commenting of the martell commercial. and was saying how it's demeaning women and everything. i saw it as a classy ad. i mean. it's better than. "Adam King" right? argh. he doesn't read into things. he judges them like everything's evil and it's just another evil attempt. there are so many beautiful, inspirational things all around. like yesterday the quote for SBStransit, not to say that i'm that much of a bureacrat, i paraphrase it to memories are made for us to remember roses in december. it was such a sweet phrase. it is true. december, possibly winter. a harsher environment. lack of life... roses. sweetness. beauty, nature... romance, like. "a bed of roses". connoting a good life and comfort. i saw so much in the quote. so i was telling my brother the quote was quite nice. and he said. "it's stupid." like. wow. i can see why he can't find a girlfriend. cynicism is so tiring to manage.
aight. i went to watch love actually. great film. loved natalie and david. haha! but before that, i was doing makeup for yingying and her friend sarah. i mean. a lil for sarah cuz she did half herself already. her friend called... oh my what's her name? christina's friend. i can't remember. god. shall ask yingying soon. but ok. i plucked eyebrows for yingying and that girl. did a lil lil mistake which was perfected by eyebrow pencils. yingying looked very pretty. really. the makeup suited the dress. the dress suited her. her friend sarah too. she looked so cute. all that baby blue and pink. hah! had a great time. they were fun people.
aight. so mr loverboy's booking out tomorrow. but weird thoughts are running through my mind. our relationship's in a weird. period. a lil. hot and cold from him. i don't know. the possibility of another prettier girl's haunting. i wanna establish a stronger faith in him. but his mono-syllabic replies aren't helping.
and i do feel for him. so it's difficult to not think about all this mess. he's behaving. unlike himself. he's picking on things... he never bothered about. or rather. he hadn't told me they did bother him. like not messaging him in the morning and. not messaging him all day. and going out with a guy. i don't know.
between being a liberal girlfriend and a whiney lil lass that i am, inside, hardly visible from my outlook, i'm kinda stranded. i'll just try to not think too much. and try to convince myself that it's just a phase.
but why am i going thru that phase in the first place, i don't know how to start questioning.
cuz he'll tell me. nothing's wrong. why do you keep asking.
what am i to say?
07:03 p.m.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003

pop the hip-hop and jazz the r&b.
i realised how confused i am when it comes to music. but i really love cantrell, beyonce... stuff. that's in the club i guess. i don't need some trance music that pulsates faster than my poor cardio-vascular muscles. i'll die of spasms.
i like kylie. christina. hoards of other pop-queens etc.
ella fitzgerald, lisa ekdahl. my queens.
how about. david tao... and. r kelly. hmmm
the mix in genre's epitomised by my playlist. U2, Kelly Clarkson, No Doubt, Blu Cantrell.
if anyone's worrying about what to get me for christmas, that is, if i am worth .99, i bloody want KYLIE's BODY LANGUAGE. thank you in advance. tho i know it won't happen.
i'm still having a tad of flu.
martin messaged last night to reconcile things. norman was hostile and apprehensive. my brother as well. they thought. he wasn't worth all that effort. to always try to continue smiling when he makes sarcastic remarks.
that's because. they don't know him. they were never his best friend. i mean. i seem to be holding on to a lil fragment of the past, where we used to be so close and shared so much cool fun.
but do people really change that much? i don't know what exactly happened. but frankly, above all his sarcasm and hostility, i still got touched when he messaged his attempt to reconcile stuff before the end of this year. which is a good thing, isn't it? tis a season to be jolly...
we shall meet up some day, after he gets back from australia.
and... prasad's in the states already. man. gonna miss that slut of mine. he's such a close, neat friend.
hmmm. but i wonder what he'll get me for xmas. ok. i shouldn't be thinking of that. i'm actually a lil worried about him. like. what will he face in the states. how the stuff will turn out. but i'm, within, very pleased cuz he's really getting a ticket to his dreams. how many of us do get that kinda opportunity.
and i'm still sick. can't eat the chocolate cake i baked. shites.
AND. i still can't think of something to get for norman.
my friend's coming later to test out some makeup and stuff.
closing this entry, i shall say. i believe. we all should always try to give people second chances, to reconcile anything soured in our lives. cuz. without doing anything, EVEN without doing anything, we already can piss people off and make em hate us. so for people who we can directly determine their impression on us through our actions, we should make friends, not foes. cuz the latter can come naturally and the former, no one would mind having more.
11:55 a.m.
Monday, December 8, 2003

nivea roadshow.
yesterday i worked for the first time in my life. at the nivea roadshow. was supposed to wake up early and go get my testimonial from sajc. but i woke up with SUCH a bad sore throat... i decided to rest for the day. until julie called me at around eight to say that i had got to go down. i mean. not that i will DIE if i didn't, but it's pretty hard to find a replacement at such a short notice.
so in the end, i took a cab down to hougang area to meet julie. my throat was throbbing. my body fashioning a flu. kinda bad. couldn't find my black shoes so was wearing some heels. hah. my legs hurt by the end of the day.
everything was fine. people were pretty pleased by the way i was promoting the products without exactly hardselling them. but it was then this shemale came over that spoilt everything.
i was serving he/she. and she was alright with it. my boss/supervisor told me to walk away so that she can serve he. (she was curious.) so i turned around and talked to my colleagues. i mean. my boss told me to go away. i had no reason to stay right? suddenly, from the back. she said. "you are very rude you know. you were serving me and there you turned away." i was stumped. like. wtf???
then she sorta went into the tent. turned back and called me "bitch" in a really bitchy way, ironically. so i was kinda. taken aback. my boss was kinda nice to her i guess. then my boss came over and told me how she was sorry she flared up cuz my boss offered good service. but the thing's that. i don't think i was in the wrong. my colleagues agreed with me. they saw my boss giving me instructions to go away and i was doing what was right. so. i don't know. i have no idea why he/she just. became so. i don't know. agitated? i've interacted with these people alot. and i feel sorry for myself for being mistaken to be one who would discriminate against them. i don't, aight. i mean. need i add i've got something for gay men? hmmm. i had my first crush on a shemale at topshop suntec by the way. she was so cool...
but that's besides the point. too much warped information given there. but. i was just. stung by the fact that. he/she scolded me a bitch when. i wasn't even bitchy to her. it's like. whatever.
but that aside. and the standing for 12hours thingie, i pretty much liked the job. i mean. people actually bothered to listen and hear me explain. and they were persuaded and convinced. it felt kinda good.
but it's cuz it's some skincare product. i love these kinda stuff... ya know. if i work at a makeup roadshow. weee. i can do a full makeup for them even. mascara included.
so that's it. and i'm still wondering what to get for norman for his birthday. gimme some clue. there's nothing he urgently wants or needs now. i mean. MD player? PS2? Car? House? CRAZY!
and i can't really walk today. i'm walking like a lotus-feet woman who lived about a century ago.
11:31 a.m.
Sunday, December 7, 2003

the number.
Applicants Hotline: +65 6734-9868
this is the number to call!!!
08:08 p.m.
Friday, December 5, 2003

SATS worries.
charissa said it doesn't matter. the "expiry" date of that entry ticket seems to be a couple of years, longer than i'd expected.
so. i baked a cake. FINALLY my mom said it's nice. i'm getting a lil sore on the throat right now. yikes. shall bathe and call norman. this poor boy's stuck in camp, confined. my my. i miss him quite a lot. hmmm.
sheesh. i musn't get sick!
and i've gotta look for the relc phone number.
yeah. wonder what i should do tomorrow.
07:55 p.m.
Friday, December 5, 2003

excited about new blog.
hmmm. hello there! i'm just plain excited and talking crap. hmmmm. i wonder what links i should set up. anything you wanna comment on... i'm always on hungforbitchery@yahoo.com so... mail on! haha!
so... this page has my face BIG and (editted) splattered over the screen. hah. my brother has miraculously allowed me to use the com.
oh. and one thing... i've got a POSTPONED sats... might be tomorrow. but i don't wanna take it then. i wanna take the january one... i don't know. shit. anyone knows whether the postponement can extend beyond the year itself? as in. i applied one for... march this year. is the deadline next march? or 1st jan 2004? i don't know. enlighten me.
till next time... taas.
01:13 p.m.
Friday, December 5, 2003

hey.
it's me again! hah... ok. i wonder if i should archive janathema.pitas.com and stuff. and move this layout there was well. soooo. troublesome. eeeek. maybe i'll just copy and paste the stuff on a blank page and post em up. muaha...
so... this is it.
hmmm. links coming rrrreeeaaallll soon. shall archive all my narcissistic pictures... muahaha.
i'll try this.
janathema
12:41 a.m.
Friday, December 5, 2003

back.
i actually wanted a left scrollbar. but things got a lil messed up. so. i guess. i'd have to compromise for this.
but this doesn't look THAT bad either, does it? hmmm.
12:30 a.m.
Friday, December 5, 2003

new layout.
yes. this is yet another narcissistic layout of mine. but then, when has it been not?
so i'm happily relying on pitas.com again. thank you so much. kudos kudos kudos!
so... it's kinda like. a spur of a moment kinda thing. i think. lols. yeah. will update more, soon.
links will come, soon enough. i just have to get things together.
12:06 a.m.
Friday, December 5, 2003